Have you ever been in a space where you feared something would happen and constantly you kept thinking and it got created just the way you thought it would be?
I have been many times in that space and every time the same thing got created with more intensity. With every passing event corresponding to that fear, i would get even more fearful. I fought my fears, thought that I came out of them victoriously, when i saw that after all pain and suffering i went through I achieved great results, I did it. and there is nothing to fear actually and every fear can be overcome. So much so that I also take sessions on " Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" in India. People are happy with the information and tools i provide there and also I have implemented those and achieved a lot through them.
All our fears have underlying emotions which we fail to notice, though I did it, as I am now in the field of healing the mind, body and soul, worked on so many people across the country, created so many miracles and amazing transformation in peoples lives. You must be wondering what am I upto while writing all this... Well its something I went through as recently as yesterday.
I had this huge fear of losing my loved ones, sometimes in relationships(what we call break ups) sometimes losing them to death, sometimes just losing them because they aren't interested to be with me anymore, as I am too difficult to handle for people for longer times... and so on, so much crap around this I kept saying to myself, every time I lost someone in the journey of life. So much of me I lost in trying to hold people back in life. Came to a space where nothing matters, whether people be or not be, whether I be or not be... only thing I couldn't overcome is the fear of my sons death, from where it came, which lifetime, which incident of life, which thing triggered that, is immaterial, its the intensity that I am talking of and I have seen mothers who lost their young children to death and I have been working on making people aware, that life is very precious, never give up on it, for some silly reason, like a grade in the exam, not clearing the boards with 90%, not getting through an IIT, not having a boyfriend or a girlfriend, break up and many more such reasons. How much ever i preach, I speak about all the accomplishments of my life, I couldn/t get rid of my fear.
Yesterday I took a session from one of my colleaugue and also later took the help of my mentor and felt a lot lighter. Things got better too in my space. I realized something that it was not the fear that was troubling me, it was my need to be troubled for some reason or the other was troubliing me, the great sense of achievement I got when I overcome obstacles and troubles, which gave me a great ego boost and a feeling that I can handle everything. WOW!!!! Whats so great about it?
it is that this gave me a sense of worthiness and my self esteem goes up. Now if you look at it, who would require such ego kicks in life, a person who somewhere has a low self esteem, and why would a person have a low self esteem?
The reason is the definitions of self esteem, the definitions of worthiness, the definitions of being a good girl, being a good mother, being a good daughter, beign a good daughter in law that you have heard non stop from people and seen in television serials and movies and stories and so much more, all the point of views people have in this reality about who is good and who is bad. This is not just with women, the men also face the same, what makes him a good father, brother, son, lover, husband.... etc etc....
What would it take for all of us to move beyond the defined roles of this society and culture and religion and explore our beingness?
What is beingness, you may ask? well it is differnt for different people. For some it may be enjoying life sitting at home, watching tv, raising children, attending parties... etc... for some it may be a corporate job 9 to 9 and that which gives them a sense of being who they wish to be.
For some it may be being able to provide enough comfort and money, or luxury to family by working to earn the money in anywhich way. For some it may be going to temples, reading books, sharing knowledge, meditating, dancing, painting... For some it may be shopping, spending time with friends, signing cheques and enjoying being the director of a company and not having to do much there... it differs from people to people. I have tried all these roles almost and more than these.
Is anything right or wrong here, my point of view, NO. Whatever works for us is good. The problem is that in a family, we expect people to be like either one of the members decides that all are supposed to be. And when there is no one who cares, then it could be like do whatever you wish to do, I care a damn.... How many families can truly recognize each persons uniqueness and allow members to grow up on thier strengths and abilities and not one persons strengths, fears, opinions and shortcomings. How much of ease is ruined in this rat race?
Still, all of us keep running in this, trying to be like others(like my mother, my father, my uncle, my aunt, my mentor, my lover, my husband, my wife). There, in childhood and as i grew to see or be like others and in another family after marriage, facing the same more or less, I lost all my self worth, thinking that I am good for nothing and then in trying to prove that I am something, I invited challenges, overcome them and kept on running behind this pattern to prove myself. Until Yesterday, after all the work that I did to heal that fear in me, i realized its not about fear, or anything that i perceive in my space, its my need to prove that I am..... Whatever adjectives I may add here, a good mother.... wife, lover, friend....student, teacher.... etc...
Today wrote this out loud, to tell the world, I am who I am. Sometimes I am good, sometimes horrible, sometimes fearful to the core, sometimes brave like a soldier, sometimes the most faithful person to be with and sometimes the most disloyal woman, sometimes brutally honest, sometimes a big liar, who keeps lying to others and most often to myself about me, and the adjectives i love to add to my name....
Well, if this resonates with you when you read this, Forget all the adjectives you have given to yourself so far, the good and the bad ones... and Say it aloud with me.
I grant myself the permission to be weak, to be strong, to be boring, to be enthusiastic, to be sexy, to be dull, to be fearful, to be brave, to be doubtful, to be confident, to be sad, to be joyful, to be guilty, to be angry, to be calm, to be patient, to be constructive, to be destructive, to be greedy, to be manipulative, to be a liar, to be honest, to be innocent, to be childish, to be mature, to be arrogant, to be an exceelent communicator................ (you can add all that you think you are or you wish to be... here) and I grant myself the persmission to be whatever the hell I choose to be in that moment and the next moment I can be different. I grant myself the permission to explore all kinds of emotions, all ways of being, all of me and LIVE in totality. I grant myself the permission to receive and give everything i choose to give and receive. I decide TODAY that I would NOT allow anyone to judge me and neither would I judge myself. I grant myself the permision to stop judging other people based on my fiXed point of views. I GRANT MYSELF THE PERMISSION TO BE WHO I WOULD LOVE TO BE AND OTHERS WHO THEY WOULD LOVE TO BE.
When I grant myself the permission to share freely what i feel, irrespective of whether what i write is right or wrong, good or bad, I set myself free. FREE TO BE ME.
Would you like to be the same to you?
if yes, get in touch with me and explore new ways of being. Join hands with me to make your world a happy place to be.
signing off for the day
thatsbandana@gmail.com
