My relationship with relationship

Relationships, such an interesting topic to explore in this reality, reality as in the physical existence on earth, and the belief systems that people have been trained to have about relationhsips here. Now, what is a realtionship?

You ask this question and people would start talking of marriage, love, romance, one man,one woman, parent-child,friends, realtives, in laws, family members.... etc. etc...
Yes, all these are termed relationships here.

In all the external relationships what we all usually do, is try to make the other person happy, make the other person feel loved, care for them, give them gifts etc.. and then, we also expect from them to care for us, make us happy, make us feel loved, give us gifts and most of all, we wish them to reciproacte exactly the way we be with them or we think that they are supposed to be.

However, this rarely happens, the simple fact being that you and whomever you are in relationship with, are two different people and unique, who cannot duplicate each other. AND THEN.... all was good to begin with and slowly started changing, and this is not just about marraige or romantic realtionships, it is also about mother and child, father and child, mother in law - daughter in law, all parent figures, also its not gender based, female to female and male to male relationships too(friends). As long as we are reciprocating the way the other person is expecting, things are fine, and then things change when you start being who you are and let go of pleasing them.

What changes????

is it that the people involved change, the situations, the perceptions, the expectations, What is it that changes?

Matter of fact, You change, either you change your habit of pleasing them to gain attention, gain love, gain appreciation... or anything that you gain in it, OR, they change the same things, and both change because, if to begin with you were doing all the things for the other-to please them and, it was not about you or your happiness or you were so called sacrificing your happiness, there definitely would be a time when you can no longer do the same and you get fed up of each other.

In either case, loss of relationship is inevitable. we may think that by facing the facts and speaking the truth, things get better, but they do not always get better. They may improve if both parties involved have a desire to make it better, or what we say..... " I tried everything to make this work"

My friend, it wouldn't work any which way in the long run, unless you give yourself the permission to be the unique person that you were and you are, and you can be ( which you changed for the other) and at the same time, give the other person the permission to be uniquely who they were and who they are and can be.

When does one one start shedding all projections and expectations and starts to be who he or she is?
When you improve your relationship with yourself, when you improve your relationship with your body, when you improve your relationship with nature, when you improve your relationship with the beliefs you have about-How relationships work.... and most importantly, when you know that YOU ARE UNIQUE AND YOU CAN STOP FITTING IN BOXES CREATED IN THIE REALITY AND YOU HAVE ALL THE RIGHT TO BE YOURSELF AND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS RIGHT. EVEN IF THERE ARE THINGS THAT ARE CONSIDERED WRONG, CHECK WITHIN, IS THAT WHO YOU TRULY BE, OR YOU HAVE STARTED MIMICKING PEOPLE AROUND YOU AND TRIED TO BE LIKE THEM.

THE ONLY WRONG THING IS, WHEN YOU ARE NOT SHARING THE GIFT THAT YOU ARE WITH THIS WORLD, WHEN YOU ARE JUDGING YOURSELF DAY IN AND DAY OUT BASED ON WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU

You may ask me, are we not supposed to improve ourselves, and healthy competition helps you grow and what people think about you and when you introspect you do get better and people appreciate too, YES ofcourse you are right, however I am not wrong too.

For me, It is about outcreating yourself, not about judging yourself anymore. When I say, Yeah this is good, I am good, "How does it get any better than this?" - tool of Access Consciousness - Founder Gary Douglas and Dr. Dain Heer.

I changed my relationship with myself after learning and using tools of Access Consciousness.

Our entire focus is on asking questions like, what we do not have? what we are not good at? what we can't change in us? and what's wrong about us? and also whats wrong about people around us? The universe gives us those answers and we end up blaming ourselves and other people, As that is how we have learned to function or rather we have been trained to be.

Can we make a conscious decision of shifting our focus to what we have, who we are, and ask, what can be created with what we currently have? And "What else is possible?"

I made that choice for me, to embrace, acknwoledge the gift that I am, the unique abilites in me, and share with the world, whoever I be fearlessly. People call me different names, people say I am self obsessed, people also say I am selfless, people say I am not setting a great example, some say that I am too good and people also say that the life I am living is not an ideal life... so on and so forth....

People would keep saying anything about you, right or wrong, good or bad, based on their awareness or ignorance. Howoever, nothing can completely define you, as you can be good and happy, you can be sad or bad, you can be intellgient and you can be childlike, you can be idiotic... you can be anyone or anything you choose to be and also, change that choice and choose differently, every moment. Are you even willing to explore so many different possibilities that you can be, and you can choose?

You receive what you are willing ask and willing to receive.

Ask and you shall receive works when we ask for more, not when we make ourselves less and define ourselves by the labels, we have been given. Start asking all that you desire to create for you.

I ask and I keep asking more and more and possibilities keep showing up. Am glad and grateful to be who I am and at the same time, glad and grateful for all the people in my life, for nature, for my body fitness, for my relationships. As I chose to break the mould of conditioning. I wrote a poem 2 years ago, sharing that here, and signing off for now.

YES, I LOVE TO SHARE AND THOSE WHO LOVE TO RECIEVE, RECEIVE WHAT THEY CHOOSE TO RECEIVE FROM ME. I AM THE UNIVERSE, AND MY LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, DO YOU WISH TO BE A PART OF MY JOURNEY?

JOIN HANDS WITH ME TO MAKE OUR WORLD A HAPPY PLACE TO BE

LOVE YOU ALL AS MUCH AS I LOVE MYSELF... AND GRATEFUL ABOUT BEING BORN ON THIS BEAUTIFUL PLANET WITH ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.

thatsbandana@gmail.com

Fearful to Free

Most of the times when I begin to write am unaware of what is the tittle going to be, or what content, what do i wish to share.... same as now.

Have you ever been in a space where you feared something would happen and constantly you kept thinking and it got created just the way you thought it would be?

I have been many times in that space and every time the same thing got created with more intensity. With every passing event corresponding to that fear, i would get even more fearful. I fought my fears, thought that I came out of them victoriously, when i saw that after all pain and suffering i went through I achieved great results, I did it. and there is nothing to fear actually and every fear can be overcome. So much so that I also take sessions on " Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" in India. People are happy with the information and tools i provide there and also I have implemented those and achieved a lot through them.

All our fears have underlying emotions which we fail to notice, though I did it, as I am now in the field of healing the mind, body and soul, worked on so many people across the country, created so many miracles and amazing transformation in peoples lives. You must be wondering what am I upto while writing all this... Well its something I went through as recently as yesterday.

I had this huge fear of losing my loved ones, sometimes in relationships(what we call break ups) sometimes losing them to death, sometimes just losing them because they aren't interested to be with me anymore, as I am too difficult to handle for people for longer times... and so on, so much crap around this I kept saying to myself, every time I lost someone in the journey of life. So much of me I lost in trying to hold people back in life. Came to a space where nothing matters, whether people be or not be, whether I be or not be... only thing I couldn't overcome is the fear of my sons death, from where it came, which lifetime, which incident of life, which thing triggered that, is immaterial, its the intensity that I am talking of and I have seen mothers who lost their young children to death and I have been working on making people aware, that life is very precious, never give up on it, for some silly reason, like a grade in the exam, not clearing the boards with 90%, not getting through an IIT, not having a boyfriend or a girlfriend, break up and many more such reasons. How much ever i preach, I speak about all the accomplishments of my life, I couldn/t get rid of my fear.

Yesterday I took a session from one of my colleaugue and also later took the help of my mentor and felt a lot lighter. Things got better too in my space. I realized something that it was not the fear that was troubling me, it was my need to be troubled for some reason or the other was troubliing me, the great sense of achievement I got when I overcome obstacles and troubles, which gave me a great ego boost and a feeling that I can handle everything. WOW!!!! Whats so great about it?

it is that this gave me a sense of worthiness and my self esteem goes up. Now if you look at it, who would require such ego kicks in life, a person who somewhere has a low self esteem, and why would a person have a low self esteem?

The reason is the definitions of self esteem, the definitions of worthiness, the definitions of being a good girl, being a good mother, being a good daughter, beign a good daughter in law that you have heard non stop from people and seen in television serials and movies and stories and so much more, all the point of views people have in this reality about who is good and who is bad. This is not just with women, the men also face the same, what makes him a good father, brother, son, lover, husband.... etc etc....

What would it take for all of us to move beyond the defined roles of this society and culture and religion and explore our beingness?

What is beingness, you may ask? well it is differnt for different people. For some it may be enjoying life sitting at home, watching tv, raising children, attending parties... etc... for some it may be a corporate job 9 to 9 and that which gives them a sense of being who they wish to be.
For some it may be being able to provide enough comfort and money, or luxury to family by working to earn the money in anywhich way. For some it may be going to temples, reading books, sharing knowledge, meditating, dancing, painting... For some it may be shopping, spending time with friends, signing cheques and enjoying being the director of a company and not having to do much there... it differs from people to people. I have tried all these roles almost and more than these.

Is anything right or wrong here, my point of view, NO. Whatever works for us is good. The problem is that in a family, we expect people to be like either one of the members decides that all are supposed to be. And when there is no one who cares, then it could be like do whatever you wish to do, I care a damn.... How many families can truly recognize each persons uniqueness and allow members to grow up on thier strengths and abilities and not one persons strengths, fears, opinions and shortcomings. How much of ease is ruined in this rat race?

Still, all of us keep running in this, trying to be like others(like my mother, my father, my uncle, my aunt, my mentor, my lover, my husband, my wife). There, in childhood and as i grew to see or be like others and in another family after marriage, facing the same more or less, I lost all my self worth, thinking that I am good for nothing and then in trying to prove that I am something, I invited challenges, overcome them and kept on running behind this pattern to prove myself. Until Yesterday, after all the work that I did to heal that fear in me, i realized its not about fear, or anything that i perceive in my space, its my need to prove that I am..... Whatever adjectives I may add here, a good mother.... wife, lover, friend....student, teacher.... etc...

Today wrote this out loud, to tell the world, I am who I am. Sometimes I am good, sometimes horrible, sometimes fearful to the core, sometimes brave like a soldier, sometimes the most faithful person to be with and sometimes the most disloyal woman, sometimes brutally honest, sometimes a big liar, who keeps lying to others and most often to myself about me, and the adjectives i love to add to my name....

Well, if this resonates with you when you read this, Forget all the adjectives you have given to yourself so far, the good and the bad ones... and Say it aloud with me.

I grant myself the permission to be weak, to be strong, to be boring, to be enthusiastic, to be sexy, to be dull, to be fearful, to be brave, to be doubtful, to be confident, to be sad, to be joyful, to be guilty, to be angry, to be calm, to be patient, to be constructive, to be destructive, to be greedy, to be manipulative, to be a liar, to be honest, to be innocent, to be childish, to be mature, to be arrogant, to be an exceelent communicator................ (you can add all that you think you are or you wish to be... here) and I grant myself the persmission to be whatever the hell I choose to be in that moment and the next moment I can be different. I grant myself the permission to explore all kinds of emotions, all ways of being, all of me and LIVE in totality. I grant myself the permission to receive and give everything i choose to give and receive. I decide TODAY that I would NOT allow anyone to judge me and neither would I judge myself. I grant myself the permision to stop judging other people based on my fiXed point of views. I GRANT MYSELF THE PERMISSION TO BE WHO I WOULD LOVE TO BE AND OTHERS WHO THEY WOULD LOVE TO BE.

When I grant myself the permission to share freely what i feel, irrespective of whether what i write is right or wrong, good or bad, I set myself free. FREE TO BE ME.

Would you like to be the same to you?

if yes, get in touch with me and explore new ways of being. Join hands with me to make your world a happy place to be.

signing off for the day
thatsbandana@gmail.com

Simple Joys of Life

Yesterday in my morning message to all, I shared an experience as follows with a question.

Today is vasant Panchami/ Saraswati Pooja, The Hindu people worship the Goddess of Knowledge and Music Saraswati on this occasion.

As kids we used to wear yellow clothes, decorate the prayer room, the Goddess idol, keep the school books in the prayer room, to pray to God to bestow success in our studies,,,,etc... and also this day marked the change of season from Winter to Spring. There may be many more spiritual and scientific significance to the occasion and what is being done, but for me as a kid, it was fun and joy doing all this and am sure for all the kids around it was fun. The innocence the children had in those days made them believe that they would study well and sing well by celebrating this way.

I shared this to simply mention that in all the Indian cultures, traditions and festivals, of different religions relevant or irrelevant to today's time, generation of Google, there was this innocence in the kids, who believed things so literally without much of questioning.

The kids of today are perfect the way they are for this age, and I appreciate their logical thinking and smartness. I miss the simplicity and sense of wonder, the belief in miracles that we had.

My question was - What can we do as a whole, to support children be joyful and innocent?

What elements can we add as parents within us, in our daily life which can create fun in simple ways around us?

I am grateful to the friends who responded to my question and sharing here the answers I received from different people

We should share more positive news compared to news about the things which project the world to be a bad place to live in.

Parents should share short stories with moral values, and enact them to make it fun to hear and remember.

Photo comics, a friend shared a link to comics online, which can be shown to kids.

Cooking together as a family and each of them participating in some way.

Give them the freedom to choose

Genuine appreciation and showing ways to choose through indirect methods

Take kids out to parks, natural places, beaches etc... where they are in touch with nature and also play with them there.

laugh on silly things with the kids, they love it.

Be a kid with the kids, play around, fool around using pranks....

What if we could be parents out of the joy of being a parent and express the gift the children are to us? Would not beign thier best friend add more joy to their life than we being superior?

We should find joy and innocence in daily life, like our parents did in those days, Children learn from us

Just be you and spend time with them

Sing songs, dance with them, go out, play and share bed time stories

Do things for the fun of it, even if it may be stupid, being like a child for one day in a month and cherish those moments and responses.

First learn to be happy yourself, everything else will follow

A friend wrote it was fun to watch girls dressed up beautifully and a delight to eyes.

I may have missed a few answers, yet shared as many as I could.

One friend wrote to me in sadness " Being a kid... I was totally worry free, it was the best phase of my life, I remember playing with friends and doing all masti, was the best memories, playing luka chhippi, kho kho, throw ball and fighting with other groups of girls at school. As a kid you must enjoy being a kid, that life will never come back again. Feeling Nostalgic."

This made me for a moment really sad, then I just said - great u shared this, reflect on what u wrote and change everything to present tense, and how you can bring that energy back in the now.

then she wrote - " I am totally free and happy. it is the best phase of my life. I am playing with my friends and doing all masti. I am playing all sorts of games and enjoying. As a kid I am enjoying, being a kid, being myself. This life I am creating again and again, feeling blessed."

AND THIS WAS IT. I felt so amazing to read this and said to myself, can it not be so simple??? does it have to be so complex, being a responsible parent????

Well, I shared all answers, you may have your own answer, am not writing this to suggest anyone anything, this is to share the joy that i felt, writing what I wrote, sharing it with all, receiving all the answers, and reading this last one my friend wrote when she changed the whole nostalgic feeling of the past to feeling blessed in the present.

Life can be simple, when we are ready to live the simple joys of life, simply :)

Looking forward to more writing, sharing, questioning, receiving and enjoying being me, the kid or the grown up or the wise or the foolish, whoever I am :) Irrespective of whether I am a responsible parent or no, I prefer to be a Joyful parent, a happy being and allow my children to be joyful and happy too. And to be honest, I used to take my kids out to parks, I used to play with them, I used to laugh at silly things with them, i used to share stories with them, I used to sing and dance with them.... and also study with them, do projects with them, paint, sketch, do rangoli, cook.... everything I have done with my kids, and even stupid things, then what changed in me.... I started comparing myself with the other parents and felt guilty about being me and changed who i was to something I could not be and there the joy left me.

My request to the children and the parents, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP COMPARING YOU AND YOUR PARENTS WITH OTHERS. WE ARE ALL UNIQUE IN OUR OWN WAYS. NO NEED TO FIT IN. We can be responsible with having fun and being joyful simply by the fact that we are good the way we are and our children are superb the way they are. When ever change comes naturally from inside, then we can be joyful about the change too, rather than trying to force change. Changing for the sake of improving self or the children can be substituted by, Change is essential and as we grow we change naturally and we can be in allowance of the changes in us and in the children and support them to be joyful about the changes inside and in the environment.

Sharing genuine stories of fun and fear also, but along with that sharing that every fear can be overcome and how you did it as a kid, as a teenager, as a parent... all that allows them to know that you are human and you also have been through what they may be going through.

Again, coming back to being simple, no serious talks.... so there are already many things given above and you may ask yourself, what would you love to be and do as a kid, and do that with your kids :) Build your creativity beyond limits and Enjoy parenting.

rest for next.....signing off for the day
thatsbandana@gmail.com